Jen Frankel’s ‘Zugunruhe’

Came across an unlikely Einstein quote the other day:

“When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that’s relativity.” — Albert Einstein

Now, that’s pithy.

Lately, though, I can’t help wishing for the hot stove.

I’ve waded back a bit into the world of “getting to know members of the opposite sex while single,” and I must admit, it’s about as depressing an exercise as ever.

In the almost three years since I was single the last time, I’d say I’m a good deal more confident and less prone to depression. I’ve developed the most important relationship of my life with my former boyfriend, now my solid business partner. I am learning to be a little more sensitive to myself, and treat myself with more gentleness than I did a few years back.

None of that changes the fact that what’s going on around me seems to be basically the same shit, different year.

Men and women are not as different from each other as we’d like to believe. That’s a theory of mine – by which I mean a solid, demonstrable idea based on a lengthy investigation and dependent on a large number of unique facts which, although each of them may or may not be true, lead to a general preponderance of evidence that has a good chance of being the way things really are.

Which, I mean to say, is something I’ve come to believe through experience and investigation.

Men and women both feel insecure around people they’re attracted to. Hell, we tend to feel insecure around people we aren’t attracted to who we fear may be attracted to us.

We worry about the fragile nature of our natures, our tender feelings, our desires. Life is one big, constantly looping replay of the song “I Want You To Want Me.”

But we like to pretend we’re different, because it reduces the possibility that we’ll have to genuinely get and empathize with someone we want something from. That “something” could be unconditional love and understanding, or it could be “stay the hell away.” But if we start off with the theory that true communication between the sexes is impossible, we take away any thought that the responsibility for communication problems is actually our fault.

Take a recent case.

I’ve been flirting on Facebook. Yes, I know. Yes, I know. Yeah, I get that too.

So, I managed one face-to-face, un-Facebook meeting in the midst of a slew of chat. Two phone calls. More chat.

At some point, I realized that I liked the guy, but that I had no idea AT ALL about whether or not I could get along with him.

Eventually, it was pretty clear that assumptions was all we had. Without really meeting, we were both safe – safe from any kind of vulnerability at least. But we could only rely on what I call the “low denominator facts,” the pretense that we can almost guess what a member of the opposite sex is thinking or will do based solely on stereotypes.

Besides the fact that this is monumentally insulting for anyone who considers his- or herself an individual, it totally defeats the purpose of getting to know a person. If I can predict he’ll do “guy-things” when I do “girl-things,” it ain’t a relationship, it’s a sitcom.

All I ask anytime is to be treated like a person. If you get to know me and discover I’m a walking, breathing Barbie doll, then for sure treat me like plastic. Otherwise, keep your damn assumptions to yourself.

We’re at our worst when we lock ourselves into those narrow camps of “man” and “woman.” There’s a huge richness of experience and connection available that has nothing to do with gender – although it’s nice when it has something to do with sex…

And, to paraphrase Einstein, sometimes a guy is like two minutes on a hot stove.

Some new stuff to check out on my site:

• Night Music - a short story with guns, unrequited love, and jazz.

Boxer (“Pride”) - acrylic painting